Tis the season

Two Christmases ago, I was sweating in the Amazon jungle. Miserable, not able to find joy. Missing a dear friend, who had gone home because of a heartbreaking situation. Not able to find the meaning. Missing the biting wind, the smell of Christmas trees, and pumpkin pie; Christmas cookies, and Bing Crosby softly singing in the background. I ached over not being home, where it felt like Christmas. Desperately wanting to sing Christmas hymns in church, and frustrated that no one there seemed to even notice that we should be celebrating. And I was angry. Angry that God had brought me there, angry that He had allowed my friend to be so hurt, that she needed to go home. Angry that I was so far from my family. So very angry. I did not feel any joy.
And even when I received a wonderful package from home, with a DVD in which my Dad read me Luke 2 in KJV, a tradition in our house; even while there were tears streaming down my face, they were not tears of repentance, or joy, they were tears of pity. Pity for myself.
Last year, I was so happy to be home, so thankful that our wedding was around the corner, so excited to participate in all of the Christmas traditions, that was really all I cared about. I prayed for snow, because I wanted a white Christmas to make it truly feel like the season. How very selfish and sinful of me.
This year, I began listening to Christmas music early, as usual. But God was not going to let me get away with another Christmas, that was all about me. My husband mentioned something to me, something simple, that we had discussed before. We may not always live in Idaho. We do not know the plans that God has for us. It could be moving to a foreign country again. Amazing how God can use something we had discussed so many times before, to open my eyes. I began to think about raising our future children in Africa, as that is the place we have discussed the most. And I liked the idea, but I was bothered that my children would not get to experience the traditions that I did. The "magic" of the Christmas season. The decorated stores, and the glowing trees, the eggnog, and Christmas music. All of the traditions, that WERE Christmas to me. And suddenly, my eyes were opened. As much as I hold those traditions dear to my heart, they are not what Christmas is about. How blind of me. How many times have I watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and heard Linus recite Luke 2, and tell Charlie Brown "that's what Christmas is all about" and yet, I never saw. Not with my heart.
How arrogant of me, to think that Christmas is about traditions, and feeling comfort in them. CHRISTmas is all about CHRIST. All about a God who loved us so much, that he sent His only son to live among us lowly humans. To live only for the purpose of dying. And it breaks my heart, that I could have believed other wise. He is the reason. Christ, and Christ alone. And to focus on anything else, is sin.
Traditions, are not wrong in and of themselves. It is my sinful heart, that makes them an idol. And oh how I idolized them. How deep the pain is now, when I realize just what I believed. That Jesus sacrificing everything, to come live among us, and die for us, was not as important, as my stupid, trivial traditions. And there I through myself on the ground, ashamed, that I too, have betrayed Christ, a thousand times. How terrible of a sinner am I.
But God did not allow me to stay on my knees, full of shame. The very reason we celebrate Christmas, JESUS, He is the reason that I am forgiven, that God looks at me, and sees Christ's perfect life; His righteousness is imputed to me. What joy! That is why we celebrate Christmas! And that is what I will be praying for this season. That God would give me grace to see, and remember, and purpose to celebrate Christ's birth, and sacrifice for us. I pray that God would fill me with such joy, and thankfulness, that I cannot help but celebrate. I pray that He would be gracious, and fill me with so much love for my savior that I will not remain silent, but that wherever I go, I will speak of the love of Christ, and preach His gospel. For He is the Good News.
Thank you Father, for sending your son to us. Thank you for being gracious with me, and for always changing my heart, a little at a time, to be ever so slightly more like Christ. Thank you for your Grace and Mercy. Thank you for your Love.

"Joy to the world, the Lord has come!
Let earth receive her King!
Let every heart, prepare Him room
And heaven and nature sing
And heaven and nature sing
And heaven, and heaven and nature sing!"

Keys!!

WE GOT KEYS!!!!! So excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blue carpet.....

In the on going house saga, I have been learning a lot of patience. And thankfulness. Thankful that we do not have a time limit to when we need to move, thankful that we have family who has been so very helpful during this entire process. Thankful that we are able to buy a house before our one year anniversary.
It has been so frustrating to wait, for almost 3 months. So difficult to keep my focus on what I have been given, and not what I don't have. And painful to see that I have so much pride. The carpet is blue. 1990's blue. We will be saving to replace it, hopefully with wood floor. But in the meantime, we will be living on 20 year old, blue carpet. Although part of my aversion to this, is that there is 20 years worth of dirt and who knows what in the carpet, (I told Brad I will not take my shoes off until we replace the flooring!)most of it, if I am honest, is that ugly blue carpet, is embarrassing to me. I don't want to invite anyone over to see it, until the flooring has been replaced. I don't want anyone to see the carpet. How very prideful of me. I have lived in Peru, and seen people who live in shacks, with dirt floors, who were so happy to invite me in to their homes. And here I am, in a beautiful, spacious house, not wanting to invite anyone over because the carpet is not to my liking. It is really humbling to look at it that way. To think that I worry about what people will think of me, because of some carpet.
So as we prepare to paint, and move in, I will be continually praying that The Lord will be doing a work in my heart, to strip away a little bit more of my pride. To change my heart a little bit more, to open my eyes to how truly I am blessed. And to give me a heart to open my doors to anyone, and welcome them, happy to fellowship, on the blue carpet!

My Calling

God has been speaking to my heart. I picked up a book yesterday, while the sweet child I nanny was sleeping, I was bored and wanting something to entertain me. The title caught my eye "Family Man, Family Leader". I thought maybe it would be a good book to give my husband. He loves books. I tried to read it through my husbands eyes, or what I thought his eyes would be like. But God wouldn't let me. Beautifuly painful how He can use a book written for men, to convict me in my role as a wife. Because after Believer in The Almighty God, Wife is what defines me. But not enough, either of them, not enough. For I fail miserably at truly believing, every second of my life. I don't think like I truly believe, I don't love like I truly believe, I don't sacrifice self, or speak Truth as if it was what truly defined me. And He showed that to me, by showing me what He has called my husband to be. For he will surely need the support and encouragment of a godly wife to press on, when darkness surrounds. He will need a woman who can recite scripture to him, to encourage him, when he feels unable to fulfill his high calling. I am none of those things. And this was the beautifully painful part of it all, I never will be. For I am the worst of sinners, the least of these; but Jesus was and is and will always be all of those things for me. Painful, because it always hurts to look into the mirror of scriture, to see that I can never live up to God's Holy law. Beautiful, because Christ did it for me, and his righteousness is forever given to me. God sees me as all of those things. But, why then, would he convict me? Ah the most beautiful part of it all! Because He loves me. He wants me to grow. Marriage is not only an image of Christ and the Church. God is not a god of single purposes. Everything He does is for a purpose, but so many, oh so many are for so much more than that. Marriage is also created to refine us, to constantly bring us to the foot of the Cross. To remind this stubborn heart, of the beauty and high cost of Jesus' sacrifice. And so, my heart was convicted, and so it was reminded of my desperate need for The Blameless Lamb. And my heart rejoiced as I was once again astounded by the pure beauty, and glory of what Christ has done for us, and how it covers me in this moment, and every moment of my life. God has been speaking to my heart, painful and beautiful things. He has been reminding me of the high calling He has placed on my life to be a wife, and someday, a mother. God has been speaking to my heart, and revealing to me that I can never accomplish this, not in accordance with His holy standards; but He has been speaking to my heart, and reminding me, that Christ did all that for me! What joy! What bliss! What GRACE! That He could love a sinner such as I!

Photography

I have been wanting to take some photography classes, but they cost money, and I am busy all the time with two jobs now. But, here are some of my better attempts.

Really???

Brad and I have been in the process of looking for a house. There have been so many foreclosures on the market, and we were recently pre-approved for a loan, which was super exciting!!! We made an offer on a house that needed some work, but would have been a good deal. Our offer was not accepted. Then we found a perfect house. When we drove up, all I could think was there is no way we can afford this! The house is 1100 sq. feet, built in the 90's and in amazing shape. It has 3 bedrooms, and 2 full baths and gorgeous wood floor in the dinning room and kitchen. And a huge backyard! We put in an offer and are supposed to hear back about it by Tuesday. I so badly want this house. It only needs paint, and new carpet. We have not seen any house like this, and that it was in our price range was so exciting! So, we are anxiously waiting to hear, and we are hoping that they will accept our offer! The funniest thing to me, is that one of the things I am most excited about is getting to paint the walls!!!

Pictures of New York