My Calling

God has been speaking to my heart. I picked up a book yesterday, while the sweet child I nanny was sleeping, I was bored and wanting something to entertain me. The title caught my eye "Family Man, Family Leader". I thought maybe it would be a good book to give my husband. He loves books. I tried to read it through my husbands eyes, or what I thought his eyes would be like. But God wouldn't let me. Beautifuly painful how He can use a book written for men, to convict me in my role as a wife. Because after Believer in The Almighty God, Wife is what defines me. But not enough, either of them, not enough. For I fail miserably at truly believing, every second of my life. I don't think like I truly believe, I don't love like I truly believe, I don't sacrifice self, or speak Truth as if it was what truly defined me. And He showed that to me, by showing me what He has called my husband to be. For he will surely need the support and encouragment of a godly wife to press on, when darkness surrounds. He will need a woman who can recite scripture to him, to encourage him, when he feels unable to fulfill his high calling. I am none of those things. And this was the beautifully painful part of it all, I never will be. For I am the worst of sinners, the least of these; but Jesus was and is and will always be all of those things for me. Painful, because it always hurts to look into the mirror of scriture, to see that I can never live up to God's Holy law. Beautiful, because Christ did it for me, and his righteousness is forever given to me. God sees me as all of those things. But, why then, would he convict me? Ah the most beautiful part of it all! Because He loves me. He wants me to grow. Marriage is not only an image of Christ and the Church. God is not a god of single purposes. Everything He does is for a purpose, but so many, oh so many are for so much more than that. Marriage is also created to refine us, to constantly bring us to the foot of the Cross. To remind this stubborn heart, of the beauty and high cost of Jesus' sacrifice. And so, my heart was convicted, and so it was reminded of my desperate need for The Blameless Lamb. And my heart rejoiced as I was once again astounded by the pure beauty, and glory of what Christ has done for us, and how it covers me in this moment, and every moment of my life. God has been speaking to my heart, painful and beautiful things. He has been reminding me of the high calling He has placed on my life to be a wife, and someday, a mother. God has been speaking to my heart, and revealing to me that I can never accomplish this, not in accordance with His holy standards; but He has been speaking to my heart, and reminding me, that Christ did all that for me! What joy! What bliss! What GRACE! That He could love a sinner such as I!