Tis the season

Two Christmases ago, I was sweating in the Amazon jungle. Miserable, not able to find joy. Missing a dear friend, who had gone home because of a heartbreaking situation. Not able to find the meaning. Missing the biting wind, the smell of Christmas trees, and pumpkin pie; Christmas cookies, and Bing Crosby softly singing in the background. I ached over not being home, where it felt like Christmas. Desperately wanting to sing Christmas hymns in church, and frustrated that no one there seemed to even notice that we should be celebrating. And I was angry. Angry that God had brought me there, angry that He had allowed my friend to be so hurt, that she needed to go home. Angry that I was so far from my family. So very angry. I did not feel any joy.
And even when I received a wonderful package from home, with a DVD in which my Dad read me Luke 2 in KJV, a tradition in our house; even while there were tears streaming down my face, they were not tears of repentance, or joy, they were tears of pity. Pity for myself.
Last year, I was so happy to be home, so thankful that our wedding was around the corner, so excited to participate in all of the Christmas traditions, that was really all I cared about. I prayed for snow, because I wanted a white Christmas to make it truly feel like the season. How very selfish and sinful of me.
This year, I began listening to Christmas music early, as usual. But God was not going to let me get away with another Christmas, that was all about me. My husband mentioned something to me, something simple, that we had discussed before. We may not always live in Idaho. We do not know the plans that God has for us. It could be moving to a foreign country again. Amazing how God can use something we had discussed so many times before, to open my eyes. I began to think about raising our future children in Africa, as that is the place we have discussed the most. And I liked the idea, but I was bothered that my children would not get to experience the traditions that I did. The "magic" of the Christmas season. The decorated stores, and the glowing trees, the eggnog, and Christmas music. All of the traditions, that WERE Christmas to me. And suddenly, my eyes were opened. As much as I hold those traditions dear to my heart, they are not what Christmas is about. How blind of me. How many times have I watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and heard Linus recite Luke 2, and tell Charlie Brown "that's what Christmas is all about" and yet, I never saw. Not with my heart.
How arrogant of me, to think that Christmas is about traditions, and feeling comfort in them. CHRISTmas is all about CHRIST. All about a God who loved us so much, that he sent His only son to live among us lowly humans. To live only for the purpose of dying. And it breaks my heart, that I could have believed other wise. He is the reason. Christ, and Christ alone. And to focus on anything else, is sin.
Traditions, are not wrong in and of themselves. It is my sinful heart, that makes them an idol. And oh how I idolized them. How deep the pain is now, when I realize just what I believed. That Jesus sacrificing everything, to come live among us, and die for us, was not as important, as my stupid, trivial traditions. And there I through myself on the ground, ashamed, that I too, have betrayed Christ, a thousand times. How terrible of a sinner am I.
But God did not allow me to stay on my knees, full of shame. The very reason we celebrate Christmas, JESUS, He is the reason that I am forgiven, that God looks at me, and sees Christ's perfect life; His righteousness is imputed to me. What joy! That is why we celebrate Christmas! And that is what I will be praying for this season. That God would give me grace to see, and remember, and purpose to celebrate Christ's birth, and sacrifice for us. I pray that God would fill me with such joy, and thankfulness, that I cannot help but celebrate. I pray that He would be gracious, and fill me with so much love for my savior that I will not remain silent, but that wherever I go, I will speak of the love of Christ, and preach His gospel. For He is the Good News.
Thank you Father, for sending your son to us. Thank you for being gracious with me, and for always changing my heart, a little at a time, to be ever so slightly more like Christ. Thank you for your Grace and Mercy. Thank you for your Love.

"Joy to the world, the Lord has come!
Let earth receive her King!
Let every heart, prepare Him room
And heaven and nature sing
And heaven and nature sing
And heaven, and heaven and nature sing!"